From: Delores Dinsmore (T/R)
Teacher: LinEl excerpt
Topic: About "Now" and Groups
October 16, 1998
Note From the T/R:
Interesting stuff from Angus about groups and their forming and dissolving, but I would like to share how I think a little differently about that.
First of all, it isn't so easy to "see the world as it really is". I could never have done it alone. It was a real shock to me to discover how much we human's limit ourselves and refuse to use all the "personality credits" that are available, as the UB says. Our teachers have said that we are mistaken when we think that we are so diverse. We are all damaged to such an extent that we really do not let much of our diversity develop. We were "homogenized" and taught to follow rigid rules and structure... for mere survival. No blame. The rebellion has succeeded in squashing our personality expression to such a extent that we are more like a world of full of grey, with only a few bright alive colors sparking out occasionally here and there. I know this sounds negative but it just might be the truth in light of what happened here to us all.
Last night at our meeting I transmitted our resident Melchizedek. He showed me a bit of the contrast of our world to the eventual changes, to a normal world heading to light and life as we have so fragilely just begun. He said that when we really see a world of light and life, we will recognize what we came from, simply by the contrast, and will experience the emotional pain for what we missed. Of course the UB is full of encouragements for agondonter status and reiterates often how our experience is valuable beyond measure. I think that is mostly because we will have gained an amazing amount of compassion for suffering, and an amazing awareness and sensitivity to distortion and unreality. The now, for us, is the fact that we are totally immersed in it. It is one thing that we all share and part of what we will recognize when we run into each other out there in the nether worlds of time and space and the great distance of the future. As I said once, like a beautiful patina of scars, like tattoos similar to each other.
The point being for me, is that I would never have been able to come to see what small bit of reality that I do see, were it not for the groups and the teachers in this mission. It's not easy to look and not easy to understand and accept it, even when you begin to see it clearly.
Here is a small piece of a LinEl transcript about it which I ran across the other day in my notebook when I was transcribing awhile back then:
LinEL: As I spoke last time, I mentioned the habits passed down from generation to generation and these are not complex habits. They are very very simple. and you do not bother to elaborate much on them. Four or five grand grotesque habits that exist everywhere on this planet and they are so taken for granted that you do not see them.
Q: Can you list them? (Laughter)
LinEL: Part of what you are doing in this current situation, in this current dynamic, is one of them. Discovering how much you don't want to be yourself. Not just denial. Not just resistence to compliments, not just avoidance of all that you can be, but actually ignoring your existence. That you are in recovery, that you wish to "have a voice", all of these things, irritate you out of that habit.
Q: Like a pearl?
LinEl. Yes. Good metaphor.
Q: If we keep working long enough we will end up beautiful and valuable...no! God sees us already like that...I'm confused
LinEl: You will end up spitting out a lot of sand!
LinEl: This planet...that habit...self-sacrifice...which is mixed...as your issue that you have brought up:
Where are you thinking for someone else? When are you being THEIR awareness? And when are you being a friend, a helpful voice in confusion? When you stumble upon issues of that nature, where there is much ambiguity, the person, the motivation, that's a clue spot for one of these habits that this planet has formed. If you could stand back from your life, not far, further than you can but not far, you would see the pattern so clearly that it would appall you.
Q: Is it good to be appalled?
LnEl: Yes. It is not what you call shame.
LinEL: . ..but it is a blinding, penetrating awareness that does not leave you. The small "aha!"s of the universe are reminders of beauty, truth and humor. The big "AHA!"s of the universe are somewhat more painful, freeing, poignant, and complex. You realize when you step back and see that situation for what it was , there is an overwhelming sense of forgiveness, for yourself. There is regret for what was missed, there is shame for the foolishness of youth, embarrassment, and there is a sense of humor that develops out of that vision, that perspective, that makes the rest of your lives easier.
Q: A thought comes to mind: A forward-looking humility.
Q:With humor. I have had some of this. I know what you're saying. What's beautiful about [it] is that in the midst of all those feelings you just described you really want to know!
LinEl: When you no longer want to pinch something cute (reference to an earlier discussion about the confusion why mean big brothers want to pinch the baby) When you no longer feel embarrassed around a 13 year old, those are the moments, the moments of growth where you know that some of that perspective has been obtained. . . . . (End Excerpt)
From the T/R
He went on to talk about it in terms of the growing out of the confusion of adolescence and when, on becoming a more mature adult, you never have to go back there agin and be that confused.
Anyway. The teachers told us often to bond together in family groups for "what lies ahead." we didn't even know for sure what that was back then, and even still don't really, but our imaginations did not register that it would be this grand disillusionment with the planet. That means for me personally, I had to come to see and accept how my dysfunctions, generationally transmitted, are mirrored in my children, and now that I see it, I have to learn and create ways to parent and guide them that go far beyond what my parents could manage for me in my own adolescent crises. I know I could not even begin to do any of this without the mission. At least not as successfully as it has begun.
So I think the groups are not a temporary thing that we do, but will be a very, very permanent and progressive part of the teaching on this planet. I guess I can't embrace that idea of a person leaving the fellowship of those with whom he shares a greater revelation and going out on his own without the continued support and fellowship so necessary to continue to function sanely and well. We realized last night at LinEl's 6th anniversary of coming to us, that Michael had had only 3 years with his group of apostles, and at a time when minds were not as facile and developed as we human beings are now! He did with them what he could do then, but I don't think that means it will be the example for us to do the same. I would have thought it closer to my own system had Angus' singles who left the groups, went out and started their OWN groups and taught them how to start other groups and then dispersed to start more groups, like catalytic chain reactions. Who knows. Just an idea. I think that was the Apostles, plan, come to think of it, huh?
I think of us like the teachers once said as a morontial working group and that we will be together for a long time, even long past this planet. For me, the teaching mission and my group, at least for now, is a very permanent thing in my heart and mind. I'm in love with them all. Is there hope for this relationship? We'll see in the end, I guess.